Bookstore Observations

Phenomenon: Browsing the bookstore while picking their teeth.
Commentary: “Just tell me already—which book did you drop the toothpick into?”

Phenomenon: Can’t find the restroom. Instead of asking staff, grabs a random customer and asks.
Commentary: Not sure if this is some new kind of flirting technique.

Phenomenon: A 13-year-old girl caught shoplifting multiple times. The manager suspects she resells the stolen items cheaply to classmates.
Commentary: Kids are still naïve. Selling nude photos online makes money much faster.

Phenomenon: A middle-aged man walks in. Despite our staff being within three meters, he asks the first customer he sees—who is deeply focused on reading—where the snack shop next door is. The customer happens to be a regular who lives nearby and tells him the shop has gone out of business. He then keeps asking: Where did it move to? Did your bookstore just open? How many months have you been open?
Commentary: Introverts would just drop dead.

Phenomenon: A mother and daughter come in. The mother carries a huge bag of meat buns in one hand and a pot of stew in the other, looking for somewhere to sit and eat.
Commentary: Homeless people eat surprisingly well.

Phenomenon: Smoking inside the store.
Commentary: He isn’t even Harold Ross.

Phenomenon: Spitting inside the store.
Commentary: “Manager, please. I’m begging you. Let us spit in the coffee he ordered.”

Phenomenon: Spitting into the flowerpot of a store plant.
Commentary: At least he didn’t cum into it. That would have really scared us.

Phenomenon: Using the restroom without closing the door.
Commentary: Why not try the tree outside? Better air, more space, brighter stage.

Phenomenon: Arrives on a shared bike with a broken lock and hides it in one of our private booths to keep it for himself.
Commentary: Absolutely no sense of sharing.

Phenomenon: Comes in at opening time, takes a seat to do homework. Disappears all afternoon, leaves belongings to hold the seat, comes back at night to continue.
Commentary: “If a murder happens in this bookstore, we will not provide you an alibi.”

Phenomenon: Sneaks into a paid private booth, puts in earbuds, and falls asleep. Completely unresponsive.
Commentary: You can’t beat someone who came prepared.

Phenomenon: A parent watches TV dramas on their phone while supervising their child’s homework, occasionally yelling until the child bursts into loud crying.
Commentary: I now regret not sitting across from them and crying hysterically as well.

Phenomenon: An elementary school student pulls out all the small potted plants we grew in the store.
Commentary: “Breaking news: An elementary school student has had all his nose hairs plucked out and has been ordered to eat them one by one.”

Phenomenon: Throws twenty sheets of toilet paper into the toilet and completely clogs it.
Commentary: Diarrhea is not a crime.

Phenomenon: Lays more than ten paper towels flat across the restroom floor.
Commentary: What kind of diarrhea cult ritual is this?

Phenomenon: Told an elementary school student that we’re closing. He replies, “Fuck off.”
Commentary: “Sorry, I don’t sleep with elementary school boys.”

Phenomenon: I’m using the toilet. Outside, a parent with a child tries the door—won’t open—then starts knocking repeatedly while asking, “Is anyone in there?”
Commentary: If the door won’t open, it must be a locked-room murder. Knock until the corpse wakes up.

Phenomenon: The Question King. Do you make money? How much do you make a year? What’s your salary? How many owners do you have? How much is the rent? Can you really survive like this?
Commentary: I’m not Karoline Leavitt.

Phenomenon: Walks up to the counter. “Can I leave my phone here to charge?” “Can I leave my laptop here to charge?”
Commentary: “Next time, just drive your Tesla straight into our store to charge it.”

Phenomenon: An elementary school boy, probably scolded for being noisy, tapes a note on the storefront glass the next day insulting all staff and angrily questioning who we think we are.
Commentary: “I don’t know who I rank as, but you’re definitely a very small second dick.”

Phenomenon: Buys a local magazine. Before paying, he has already torn off the plastic wrap and read it for a while. An hour later he comes back, complaining that the ink smell is too strong and wants to exchange it.
Commentary: Apparently unaware that book lovers can only climax by smelling that ink.

Phenomenon: Prices are printed on the books, yet they still bring the book over to ask how much it costs.
Commentary: “If you can’t see the price, you probably can’t see the words inside. You’re not the target reader.”

Phenomenon: A fifth-grade girl breaks a cup and says, “I don’t have money to pay. Can I leave now?”
Commentary: “As I always say, selling nude photos makes money fast.”

Phenomenon: Calls our front desk asking, “What’s the bar next door called?” After being told, she asks, “How do you spell that?”
Commentary: G-O-F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F.

Phenomenon: “I’ll leave my suitcase here for a bit.” (Returns a day later.) “I’ll leave these keys here; someone will come get them.” “I’ll leave this charger here; my kid will pick it up tonight.” “I’ll leave this document here; my friend will come.” “I’ll leave this CT scan here; someone will come.”
Commentary: We’re too kind. Truly. For suitcases, we should open them and stuff in some thongs or a dildo. For keys, we should swap them all—especially since there are many key-cutting shops nearby. For chargers, I don’t know—just throw them into the lake. For documents, we should insert a 500-word page insulting their appearance. As for CT scans, if it’s a brain scan, it should be posted on the store door with a note underneath: There is something wrong with your brain.

Phenomenon: People hovering between middle-aged and elderly. They come often, browse without buying. One day they finally buy a book—slam it onto the counter, then slam the money down.
Commentary: “If you love throwing things so much, try throwing yourself in the bathroom next time.”

Phenomenon: “How much is this Communist Party Constitution?” “Four yuan.” “Any discount?” “Members get a discount.” “Oh, too expensive. Never mind.”
Commentary: Does he mean that, according to communist theory, the book should be free? Food for thought.

Phenomenon: “Can you use your employee discount for me?”
Commentary: “That’s really rude. At least call me Dad first.”

Phenomenon: A mother and daughter in the café area, one hand holding a book, the other eating food.
Commentary: “Books are the best paper towels.” —Shakespeare

Phenomenon: Using a book as a coaster.
Commentary: “Books are the best coasters.” —Haruki Murakami

Phenomenon: Books on the central display are flipped open, not even picked up. When abandoned, they’re left open.
Commentary: Probably spies sending coded signals.

Phenomenon: A child insists on pushing an entire row of books as far back on the shelf as possible. Happens every weekend.
Commentary: “Children entering the bookstore must collect handcuffs. Deposit: 500 yuan.”

Phenomenon: Someone carries over ten books at once to the café area, reads them, leaves them on the table, and walks out.
Commentary: That’s when I realized my salary is too low.

Phenomenon: Simply because she thinks her child might have passed by our bookstore, she demands that we pull the surveillance footage.
Commentary: “Ma’am, we checked the footage. The good news is, your son was in our restroom. The bad news is, he went in with another woman.”

Phenomenon: Someone waits until we’re not looking and tears the plastic wrap off about a dozen books. The discarded wrap is handled in three ways: thrown on the floor, hidden behind other books, or left in plain sight.
Commentary: We demand a fourth option: stuff it into a hole.♦︎